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Updated on October 17, 2022February 6, 2019BLOG

8 tips to build rapport

First, let’s define what is rapport?

Rapport is a relationship of mutual understanding or trust and agreement between people. It is what happens at an unconscious level that makes us ‘click’ and is enhanced by a perception of likeness and liking. It includes the ability to see the other person’s point of view (even though you may not necessarily agree with it), and is a vital element in any form of communication, including the business context.

Indicators of good rapport include:

Similar body posture

Gesture in similar ways

Same rhythm in movement and speech

Breathing levels are similar

Voice tone

Why is rapport important?

How often have you heard “She was so rude”, “He just didn’t seem to care”, “You don’t understand”, “I’m not sure if I trust him”. Rapport gives the ability to relate to others in a way that creates a climate of trust, openness and understanding. It is a key part of building relationships in the business world.

How to achieve great rapport

Think of people with whom you already have great rapport. What is it you do, how do you communicate and what do you talk about? All these factors can give us a clue to the key aspects of building rapport. But what can you do in business if it doesn’t occur naturally? You need to pay conscious attention to Matching or mirroring (not mimicking) those elements that are part of natural rapport.

Research indicates that only 7% of our communication comes from the words that we use – for example the use of common expressions, terminology, etc.

How we say things – that is our tone, volume, pitch, emphasis – accounts for a further 38%.

And a massive 55% comes from a person’s appearance and physiology – how you sit or stand, your facial expressions and so on.

This means that 93% is unconscious.

So how do we make use of these factors? Well, the closer we can match these (not mimic) to the other person the more likely we are to build rapport.

So here are my 8 tips.

1. Match your tone, pace, volume and inflection – without it being obvious – to the person with whom you’re talking. I’m not talking about mimicry here, rather a subtle shift in the way you communicate.

2. Listen to the type of language and terminology they use so you can mirror this.

3. Make your body language open. Uncross your arms; avoid covering your heart and turn to face the person you are talking to. This encourages openness and trust.

4. Find common ground from the beginning of the conversation. Generally, people like people who are like themselves.

5. Show your interest. Make eye contact and ask questions

6. Show that you’ve been listening by asking appropriate questions. Sincerely. Most people spend 95% of their time thinking about themselves.

7. Ask questions: People love it when you show genuine interest in what they’re doing.

8. Step into the other person’s shoes and try imaging life from their viewpoint. We all have different perspectives on things, so don’t assume other people see things exactly the way we do.

The above points are easy to practice – and you’ll be amazed at the results. Try them and watch your rapport build.

A great resource I recommend if you’re wanting to learn how to better connect with your clients, team or employees is the book Everyone Communicates Few Connect by John C. Maxwell.

Talk is cheap. Everybody does it. The question is, how can you make your words matter and influence the outcome you want? How can you really connect with others? Inside this book, Maxwell offers his proven method – five principles and five practices so you can learn how to better connect.

Want to develop this skills or practice them? Let’s connect.

August 14, 2018August 14, 2018BLOG LEADERSHIP

How to reflect after the Global Leadership Summit

It’s time to get to work – reflections after attending the 2018 Global Leadership Summit.

This whole week I’m going to do something different. Each day I’m going to write about a specific topic from one of the speakers at this year’s Global Leadership Summit that was held last week. I spent the weekend reflecting over this year’s event and the best way for me to go deeper with it is to share it and talk about it and add some value back to you in case you weren’t in attendance. But what was taught at this event is something I’m passionate about. Leadership and influence. Leadership is influence, nothing more, nothing less. And everyone has it; the question is how are you using it?

So starting off – I’m going to share a process I learned from one of my mentors with the John Maxwell Team. It’s a process I’ve used to help me reflect after attending conferences or workshops where I’ve left really inspired. I call it my mind dump. I’m going to tell you though – only do this when you are really inspired and can be uninterrupted. Because you don’t want to be bothered when you are getting focused.

One of the questions I used to always ask myself when attending conferences or workshops like this was what to do with the pages and pages of notes I took. What do I do next, once I get back to reality? Are you ready? I’ll show you how.

I call it the 3 R’s – Reflect, Recoup and Refocus

Let’s get started.

Take time to Reflect – and put a game plan together. What’s that look like? After attending a workshop, get a way and give yourself some quiet time to really think about what you were thinking about. Go through your notes and think about what was being shared and what you wrote down. As you begin to reflect, start by asking yourself these three questions.

1. What did you learn?

Go through your notes. Everything you wrote down are triggering thoughts. Explore them. What did you learn as a result of being at the Global Leadership Summit? Take 10 minutes, an hour, an entire day and go through all of your notes. Find the theme. What were the lessons from each page? As you go through these notes, it will become clearer.

2.Who did you meet?

You meet a lot of people. What are you doing to build on those relationships? You have to be intentional about building those relationships up. Go through your list of business and divide them into 3 categories.

People who you would generally love to connect with. This was a person who you would like to get to know them more. Be intentional about developing these. Add some value to them.
People you told you were going to do something. These are those you have to take some sort of action with. Did you tell you would follow up? Did you tell them you’d send them some resources?
These are the cards you don’t recognize nor really remember who they were – throw these cards away. Toss em out. Be intentional about the connections you made and go from there. If you didn’t make a lasting connection – it’s not worth your time.

3. What can you do today?

How can you be intentional? Send me an email, post a comment or share what you can do today to start taking action and implement some of the things you learned or have learned.

The Second R – Recoup – Recoup your investment. Tickets, travel, food and lodging – these events are not cheap to attend. So get something back from the investment you just made in yourself and your team. What will you do with this information you just learned?

The Third R – Refocus – it’s time for that clarity and consistency to begin to take action daily. Consistency with accountability. What can do you today? Consistency over time will build up to the dream or goal you want to accomplish for yourself, your team, or your organization.

So what’s the one thing you can today? Send an email, post a comment or share what you can do today to start taking action and implement some of the things you learned or have learned. If you didn’t attend the global leadership workshop this year and would like to learn more about some of the proven leadership principles and practices or topics discussed, send me an email to set up a lunch and learn at your company or with your team and I’d be happy to work with you.

To lead is to serve.

Updated on March 19, 2018February 26, 2018BLOG LEADERSHIP

Can serving others transform the way you lead?

I’d like to ask you a question – Can serving others transform the way you lead?

Last Friday, I attended a Leadership retreat at my church. The topic was viewing your work as an opportunity to worship in a way that serves others. As you can imagine – there were several stories heard that day from some very successful CEOs and business leaders who had created a culture of service within their corporate cultures and were transforming the way they connect and lead their teams.

Here is a brief synopsis of those who spoke and the key points they shared.

Phil Vischer – Veggie Tales

Your dream has to be a dream bigger than you but it cannot become your idol and lose sight of God and his glory.
As a Christian leader, your dream is about God and you, your faith, your Godliness, your relationships and your integrity.
What’s more important – your dream or your God? When God gives you a dream and it comes alive, it’s your job to keep God your primary focus.
Pay attention to God’s whispers. Learn to wait on him when necessary. Make it a daily habit of connecting with him with no agenda.
Don’t worry about the outcomes – that’s God’s job. You worry about obedience.
Be aware of your dreams and don’t confused them with misplaced longings. God is enough.

Tom Nelson – Made to Flourish

When you’re focused – live it out – SHARE it.
The more you talk about your vision, the more focused you’ll be at working it every day.
What’s the story you want to tell? What’s it mean to bear much fruit? To bear fruit, you must abide in Christ.
To be faithful, you must be fruitful. To be fruitful, you must be faithful.
Fruitfulness is more than relational – it’s a vast majority of your time. How are you spending the vast majority of your time?
If Jesus was to give you an annual review, what would he say? Where are you doing well and where are some opportunities for growth?

Bryant Ambelang – President, CEO – NatureSweet

The Golden Rule – Do unto others what you want them to do unto you. To do more, you need to LEAD.

5 Elements of unleashing the power of your people

Teach your story
Define your story and what you really really want.
Be intentional – you’ll never fail for a lack of resources, you’ll fail for a lack of intentions.
Outcome is overrated. Build something new – be used in your workplace and in your family.
Be joyful – have joy in your life. What you’re digging is an amazing treasure with each shovel.

Kelly Shackelford – First Liberty Institute

The enemy will always challenge you if you’re going to have an impact.

You’re protected to share your faith.

Norm Miller – Interstate Batteries

Find creative ways to connect with your team and share your love.
Be a good steward of the incredible blessings God has given you.
Be the leader who leads by taking action.
Go beyond your team’s expectations – be compassionate.
Pause every day and thank God for what he has done in your life.
Model Christ – allow your faith to define you.

Bill Hybels – Willow Creek Community Church

God treasures people the most.
As a leader, you have been entrusted to his people.
Share how you met Jesus.
Respect people even those with opposite beliefs but also ask for respect in return.

Patrick Lencioni – The Table Group

To lead, you have to go first.
Help your team identify their areas of improvement.
Constantly remind your people of areas they have to improve in.
Learn to coach –it’s your job.
Be Courageous

There is a common denominator amongst all of these leaders – Do you see it? They serve their people. I noticed each and every one of them talk about their teams and referred to them as team-mates or team members. They weren’t just employees – they each played a valuable role in the overall success of the company. They were valued and they knew it by the way the leader and company served them. You want to transform you culture and make it a better place to be? Find a way to add value back to your team and learn to serve them by putting them first.

I’ll never forget a story I read about a Prince who wanted to desperately connect with his people but because of cultural norms, he was prevented from interacting with them. So he snuck out and disguised himself as a peasant and went on a journey with a group of men from his community. On the journey, he connected with these men and they didn’t know who he was until the very end. But in doing so, he learned how to best serve them because he was willing to remove himself out of his class and become the leader his people needed him to be.

Which of these speakers and lessons speaks to you the most? What will you do with it?

What are your thoughts on servant leadership? And how can I best serve you or your organization? If you’d like to learn more, connect with me and I’d love to help.

To lead is to serve.

Updated on February 15, 2018February 15, 2018BLOG

How are you investing in your relationships?

It’s ironic I’m writing about relationships and it was Valentines’ Day week. But honestly, when I first started writing, I really wasn’t thinking about it. Anyway, I hope you had a day full of love and were able to invest in those relationships that have meaning to you. So Happy Valentines’ Day.

Valentine’s Day kind of relates to my topic this week. Last week I had the chance to travel down to the Caribbean and visit the Bahamas with two of my sisters. It’s not often I get to travel with my family, so I took the opportunity to invest in my relationships with them and I’m glad I did. If you should know anything about me, I value family and I’m extremely thankful for them, especially mine and how connected we are and have been. So many people we met complimented us and mentioned how nice it was we were traveling as a family. It made me wonder, do people still take family vacations?

These kinds of experiences certainly require effort and being intentional about investing in them. Other than my relationship with Jesus Christ, the relationship with my family are some the most meaningful relationships in my life.

Being intentional about investing not only in family relationships, but in others is something I believe makes a significant difference in a leader. Servant leadership, particularly is something I’m especially passionate about because I believe it’s most effective. People want to be valued and by knowing how to best serve your followers allows that value to be felt. In a world that’s filled in chaos and people searching for authentic and genuine relationships, serving others and investing in them is something people value and are looking for. However, when it’s seen, it’s can very unfamiliar and even foreign to some people.

So let me ask you, how important is it for you to invest in those around you? What does serving others even look like to you? How can you begin to serve and invest in those you are leading?

As a leader, how you invest in others is dependent upon how you’re willing to serve them. I’m intentional about adding value and investing in the relationships I’ve formed and continue to form because I’ve experienced the results of maintaining them. As a man of faith, I know it’s my example that others notice. I once heard, the people you are called to lead either need to be watered or need a seed to be planted inside of them to bring about their highest potential. And its your job to do that. If we are called to be salt and light on Earth, then it’s a leader’s job to determine what their example tastes like or how brightly it’s shining for others to see.

This philosophy isn’t something I’ve seen much of in the military, their are a few and when you seen it, it’s an awesome sight and even better when you get to follow in their footsteps. I’ve served in the U.S. Coast Guard for nearly 18 years and it seems this style of leadership is something that is becoming less and less seen despite how much it’s talked about or written in our core values. I don’t mean this as a jab to the military or Coast Guard leaders because it’s something our culture has created and continues to support. People don’t know how to get out of their own way and truly serve others, but the ones who do are making a significant difference in the lives of those they lead.

The Transformation begins with me…if you want change, be it – John C. Maxwell in Paraguay 2016.

For those of you who are leaders or who wants to learn how to best serve those around you – first, learn to be intentional about showing up – it’s the one thing people notice first. Don’t have an agenda. Make them look and feel good and they’ll reciprocate it. Leadership is not managing. It’s not about rank or title or how successful you are or what kind of car or home you own. My friend and mentor, John C. Maxwell once told me, if you have to tell people you’re a leader, you’re not and if think you’re a leader but no one is following you, you’re really just taking a walk.

I say all of this to encourage you as a leader. If you’re unsure where to start. Take an assessment of your leadership style and don’t be afraid to answer some tough questions. Even better, ask those around you for some feedback or take a 360 personal assessment. Gaining awareness as a leader can be incredibly valuable for your growth and effectiveness as a leader.

If you’d like to learn more about leadership development or are interesting in taking a leadership or personality assessment, contact me today to learn more.

February 6, 2018February 6, 2018BLOG

How Coaching can raise your awareness.

Responding to awareness is usually dependent on your maturity as a leader. From a biblical perspective, I believe God always wants to connect with us and wants to lead us to be a better example of him, so we can be a better example to others. But ultimately, I believe he wants us to living out our purpose.

Having purpose and knowing it can be a powerful thing, but it’s something I’ve learned that some people don’t think a lot about. Some people don’t even know how to respond to the question when asked what their purpose is.

Why is awareness so important?

Awareness is important because it brings clarity. Clarity is an important ingredient for growth. Gaining awareness is one of the things I love about coaching leaders. Leaders are called to inspire and influence others because leadership is influence, nothing more, nothing less. However, if you lack clarity about your purpose or if you’re stretched too thin as leader or even as a company because you’re saying “yes” too much, it can create an unclear path and ultimately result in being pulled in multiple directions that doesn’t lead to living out your purpose. It may be fun, it may even be in your sweet spot, but it may also be leading your further away from your vision.

Being coached gives permission for you to be asked the right questions in the right way that can lead to incredible breakthroughs. Coaching is not mentoring. In order to grow deeper, whether it’s in your faith, in your leadership abilities or in your life, awareness has to take place. Gaining awareness isn’t always pleasant. Sometimes it takes something painful for you to have that moment or that thought. It’s not until you take the time to reflect on those moments where you can be asked those important questions. If you’re honest with yourself, you can move in the direction that’s ultimately closer to living out your purpose.

In a world that’s filled with chaos, it’s easy to allow yourself to become consumed with the things of this world that honestly don’t matter or add any value towards your growth. It’s easy to become unfocused and unclear and lose sight of your vision and become stuck and being stuck stinks!

Last year, I found myself there, saying yes to too many things and putting myself in a position where I became stretched so too thin, I was preventing myself from being fully engaged or able to really give my best to every project, opportunity or commitment.

After reflecting and writing down all of the projects and commitments I was working on, I had to asked myself – are these really apart of my purpose? Are they really helping me come closer to my purpose and vision that I want to have. Are they bringing me closer to where I want to be in life? And after sitting down with my coach, it became clear that I wasn’t clear and my focus was off.

So what do you do? Have you ever found yourself in this position? What did you do?

Sometimes it can be a lot easier to lead others before you lead yourself. But it’s such a crucial step to lead yourself first especially when others are watching your example. Earlier this year, I wrote about leading yourself and shared 4 tips to leading yourself better. But in it, I wrote about how to get out of your own way and become a better leader.

Wanting to go deeper and become more effective requires you to get out of your own way and get intentional about getting clear. Write down your for the next 90 days. Then write down all of your competing projects and commitments and ask yourself – what’s important? The key is to identify where you are and where you want to be. Then make the path to where you want to be.

If you would like to learn more about coaching and how it can help you become clearer and gain more awareness in your personal or professional life, contact me today. I’m currently accepting new clients and will coach you how to become clear and start gaining more traction in your life. For the month of February, I’m offering a complementary coaching session for the month of February.

If you like what you’re reading and would like to receive weekly emails to your inbox, be sure to sign up here.

Updated on February 15, 2018January 31, 2018BLOG

4 Small changes that can lead to a better you.

What is your best self? What does it look like?

What keeps you from living it? What’s getting in your way?

These are some of the questions I was asking myself at the end of 2017.

I speak a lot on being a better you…it’s my own motto and is something I’m passionate talking about because let’s be honest, people get stuck and oftentimes, it’s because of our own limiting beliefs, thoughts and habits that get in our way when it comes to being our best selves. And unfortunately, it’s something I don’t hear enough of in today’s culture.

Here’s a quick story…at the end of 2017, I realized I wasn’t at my best. Something was off and had been missing. Physically, I was heavier than I usually like even though I work out just about every day and eat pretty healthy. And I knew it, but I wasn’t doing anything about it. But when someone I respect mentioned I was starting to look a little soft. The motivation to change suddenly appeared before me. For an athlete, this wasn’t something I wanted to hear and it affirmed my own thoughts. Sure, I could have taken offense to it, but why? It was true and I knew it and the only person that could do something about it was me. It was my own habits that got it me there in the first place after all. Now don’t get me wrong, I hadn’t put on a massive amount of weight, just enough to feel it and that others were starting to notice. So it was time. I decided to get focused and make some changes to my daily habits.

Lots of times, I’ve learned the best results you achieve are a result of small changes made to your daily life. Knowing this, I decided to apply this wisdom to my diet and eating habits.

I don’t believe in New Year’s resolutions because without a change in mindset, it’s just a wish and you often quit after a few short weeks. I believe in changing your mindset and daily habits and that starts by raising your self-awareness and how you think. I had to ask myself what was getting in my way? What habits do I need to change? What habits do I need to form? When I’m at my best self, what am I doing on a daily basis? What goals do I need to achieve? What does my best self look like?

So for January, I gave myself a goal to drop 10 lbs, and in a matter of 4 weeks, I’ve managed to drop them and get back to a healthier and leaner me. I did it just by changing my eating habits and tracking what I was putting into my body and when. Has it be tough? It’s been challenging. Have I enjoyed doing the 2-day workouts or the 6am workouts after pulling a night shift? No, not always, but has it been worth it? Absolutely. Because I’m just not dropping weight, I am getting focused and that is my word for this year. Focus. I know myself and I know when I’m focused and consumed by something, I thrive. And when I’m not focused, I’m average which leads to being stuck grabbing at anything or everything that helps me get moving. And let’s be honest, who likes being average?

Now that I’m making progress on my physical health and personal goals, I’ve began asking myself, where else can I make some small changes in my daily habits. What other areas could use some improvement?

Writing and sharing content is one of them, so I’ll be writing more content this year. And eventually, will be doing more live video work with some of my mentors to teach and share more content on leadership and personal growth. I learned a long time ago, I love to lead and coach others. Coaching and mentoring others is something I love to do especially when it comes to leadership, mindsets, personal growth and the like.

But to get there, first starts with raising your own self awareness. To grow to our potential, we have to discard the mistaken beliefs that prevent us from moving forward. It’s easy to have good intentions – heck that’s what new year’s resolutions are. But without being intentional about achieving them, what’s the point? Whatever results you want to achieve this year, ask yourself where you can be intentional in your daily activities – whether it’s in your business, home or personal life. My mentor, John C. Maxwell in his book, Intentional Living said it best, “Intentional living brings you daily satisfaction and continual rewards for merely working to make a difference – small or large – in the lives of others. Intentional living is the bridge that will lead you to a life that matters. Good intentions won’t get you there”.

So my question for you is where can you make some small changes to your daily life? Or in your business? Do you have a deliberate plan for your growth this year? What does growth even look like for you this year? To help answer those questions and get you in moving in a forward motion, here are 4 things I recommend doing.

Raise your self-awareness. Get a journal and start writing down descriptions of your best self. Answer these thought provoking questions.
Design a growth plan – What needs to change? What habits need to form? What boundaries need to be planted? Give yourself a date to start accomplishing them.
Get Accountability – Once you’ve written everything down, next, starting talking about them – share them with your trusted friends or accountability partners or your coach. The more you focus on something, the more you begin to start moving towards it.
Get a Coach – whether its for your organization or for your own self improvement. Sitting down and speaking to a coach has made significant difference in my professional and personal life. Have you ever given yourself permission to explore your inner most thoughts or beliefs? One of the core competencies of coaching is creating awareness. Doing so can help you be aware of what’s getting in your way and what you need to change.

I hope this has been helpful for you. If you’re unsure or don’t know where or how to start, contact me today. If you’re looking for a coach or would like to learn more about being intentional versus just having good intentions, I’m offering a free introductory offer for a coaching session for the month of February.

If you like what you’re reading and would like to receive weekly emails to your inbox, be sure to sign up here.

December 7, 2017December 7, 2017BLOG

Defining Moments – responding when your awareness is heightened

Responding to awareness is usually dependent on your maturity as a leader. From a biblical perspective, I believe God always wants to connect with us so he can lead us to be a better example of him, so we can be a better example to others. But ultimately, I believe he wants us to living out our purpose.

But, why is awareness so important and what’s it got to do with our purpose?

Awareness brings clarity. I recently read the Deeper Path by Kary Oberbrunner and it his book, he wrote about clarity and shared it is an important ingredient for growth, in fact it is essential. Clarity knows where you are going, what you value and represent. It is the most accurate vision of yourself and your business. Having clarity represents your inner values as a business owner and leader. Getting there isn’t always fun or easy but it’s worth it.

Gaining awareness is one of the things I enjoy most coaching leaders on. Leaders are called to inspire and influence others because leadership is influence, nothing more, nothing less. John C. Maxwell writes about this in his book the 15 Invaluable Laws of Growth. However, if you lack clarity about your purpose or if you’re stretched too thin as leader or even as a company because you’re saying “yes” too much, it can create an unclear path and ultimately result in your being pulled in multiple directions that really don’t lead to living out your purpose. It may be fun, it may even be in your sweet spot, but it may also be leading you further away from your vision.

Being coached gives permission for you to be asked the right questions in the right way that can lead to incredible breakthroughs. Coaching is not mentoring. In order to grow deeper, whether its in your faith, in your leadership abilities or in your life, awareness has to take place. Gaining awareness isn’t always pleasant. Sometimes it takes something painful for you to have that moment or gain that “aha”. It’s not until you take the time to reflect on those moments where you can be asked those important questions. If you’re honest with yourself, you can move in the direction that’s ultimately closer to living out your purpose.

In a world that’s filled with chaos, it’s easy to allow yourself to become so consumed with the things of this world that honestly don’t matter. It’s easy to become unfocused and unclear and lose sight of your vision.

I found myself here recently, saying yes to too many things and putting myself in a position where I became stretched so thin, it was preventing me from being fully engaged or able to really give my best to every project or commitment.

After reflecting and writing down all of the projects and commitments I was working on, I had to asked myself – are these really apart of my purpose? Are they really helping me come closer to my purpose and vision or bringing me further from it? And after sitting down with my coach, it became clear that I wasn’t clear, my focus was off.

So what do you do? Have you ever found yourself in this position? What did you do?

It can be a lot easier to lead others before you lead yourself. But leading yourself is crucial if you want to lead others. I learned a long time ago that others are watching you. Earlier this year, I wrote about leading yourself and shared 4 tips to leading yourself better. But in it, I wrote about how to get out of your own way. This is why awareness is so important and why reflecting can be so powerful in your personal growth.

If you want to go deeper and become more effectively, you have to get out of your own way and get intentional about getting clear and staying focused. Write down your goals for this year and you might as well prepare for next year. Then write down all of your competing projects and commitments and ask yourself – what’s important? What has my attention? The key is to identify where you are and where you want to be. Then make the path to where you want to be.

This Friday, December 8th at 11am EST, I’m going to be going live with one of my long time mentors and fellow coaches, Sandra Goode Harrington. In it, we’re going to be sharing the process of getting clear about your goals and how we prepare each year about our goals for the following year and what we’re going to be intentional about. We’ll be taking questions so come prepared. If you’d like to join in on this free lesson, it’s free and I’ll be we’ll be hosting the live call free on Zoom. This is a free leadership series with no gimmicks or something to sell. It’s a way to share with you how to get and stay focused.

You can join from any PC, Mac, Linux, iOS or Android: https://zoom.us/j/845746512

See you on the call.

August 11, 2017August 11, 2017BLOG LEADERSHIP

5 Steps to making a BIG decision

How do you make a BIG Decision?

Have you ever thought about what your saying “yes” to really means and what it could keep you from achieving?

I made a BIG decision last week that could have been one of those turning points in my life…I said no to a “dream job” or what appeared to a shiny dream job. This decision and the process of making it inspired this post because I learned so much about myself and the importance of having the right people in your life who are willing to ask you the tough questions. Such questions like: If you accept this position, where will it take you? Does it line up with your goals and plan? By accepting it, will it bring you closer to your vision or further from it? What do you need for it to be a “hell yes” or a “hell no”? What are you giving up by accepting it? Is it worth it? All of these questions were asked by my coach, which I’m incredibly thankful for. Having a coach in my life has been one of the greatest investments I have made in my professional and personal life. He keeps me focused on where it is I’m going and ensures my yes’ are taking me in the direction I want to be going in. Especially when those shiny objects show up. This job offer I said “no” to made me think a lot about the shiny objects that often show up in our lives and how do you determine if they are the real deal or if they are simply distractions that would keep you from fulfilling your dreams. I think these shiny objects can be tests too, to see how dedicated you are to your goals and dreams you set out to achieve. I don’t think enough people talk about their dreams. But I know my dream and I know what it is I want. This was a shiny object that certainly looked attractive, but if I would have said yes to it, my dream would have had to have taken a back seat for a while because I wouldn’t have been able to give it the time and attention it needs to come to fruition. So here are my five steps I took to make my decision.

1) Pray about it – if you know anything about me, you know I’m a believer in the power of prayer and that God will always provide the peace and confidence you need to make a decision. I encourage you to recruit others to be in prayer for you as well. Don’t try and make these types of decisions alone.

2) Get all of the facts – God can’t confirm confusion. So what do you need to make a clear decision? What are the must haves? Make a list and get them answered.

3) Seek counsel with someone you trust and who knows you well. Someone who will ask you the tough questions. For me, this was my coach. For you, it may be a pastor, mentor, spouse, or close friend. It has to be someone you’ve given permission to ask you any question without any fear of holding back.

4) Don’t dwell on it – Once you have all of the facts and have looked at all of the pros and cons and if you still don’t have peace on it, it’s not the right time. If you continue to dwell on it or even avoid making the decision, it could keep you from seeing what God has planned for you. It could keep you from seeing the next opportunity which is the right one to take.

5) Don’t let it be a distraction – Make the decision and be 100% focused on what’s before you. Keep growing and pursuing your dreams. You’re going to get distracted even by what appears to be a “dream job”. But by following these steps, they can help you make the right decision.

Hold your image!

If you’re in the middle of making a difficult decision and would like to increase your thinking and are interested in receive a coaching session or see how valuable coaching can be for you or your business, contact me to learn more. I have a few coaching slots open now.

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Updated on July 17, 2017July 17, 2017BLOG

3 Ways to instill trust – Leadership Insights from Gen. Martin Dempsey, U.S. Army (Retired)

Last Thursday, I had the opportunity to attend the Warrior Expo here in Virginia Beach and went to listen to their keynote speaker, US Army Retired General Martin Dempsey. He shared some of his personal leadership lessons and insights from his 41 years of service to our nation, leading everything from a Cavalry Troop to an Armored Division, to serving as the Commander of US Central Command as well as Chief of staff of the Army and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs.

I really enjoyed General Dempsey’s topic of discussion because he spoke about my favorite topic… leadership. I’ve noticed in the last couple of public addresses from senior military and government officials they’ve been sharing more and more of their insights on leadership and what being a leader means. It’s encouraging to see and hear these insights continue to be shared with current and aspiring leaders.

What I especially liked about General Dempsey’s address was that he spoke about what makes leaders successful and that is their followers. But more importantly, why do people follow you? What makes a follower choose to follow you? What do you think the answer is? A follower not only respects their chosen leader and not because they have to but because they trust you. If you’ve ever heard me speak, you know I often share one of my favorite laws of leadership and that is the law of influence from John C. Maxwell’s 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership which states, “Leadership is influence – nothing more, nothing less” by John C. Maxwell. But before a follower even chooses to accept your influence, trust must be established. Trust is so important because it’s really the foundation of leadership. I once heard John C. Maxwell say,

“Trust is like change in a leader’s pocket. Each time you make good decisions, you earn more change. Each time you make poor decisions you pay out some of your change to people.”

Next, General Dempsey shared something I’ve seen in many organizations I’ve worked with and that is that your people want to feel they are a valued member of your team or organization. A leader does this. Dempsey stated, give your followers a sense of belonging. Let them know they are valued. It’s what all organizations are built for. He encouraged the leaders in the room that day and said, “If you do it well, do it better. If you don’t do it, do it well.”

General Dempsey instills trust by doing these 3 things.

1.Listen

Dempsey stated he always wanted his subordinates to know that he valued them. He said the best way he could do that was to be very intentional about showing them that he was listening to them.

2. Amplify

Amplify your message – always remember to instill a high level of trust. People do what people see and leadership is influence. As leaders, it is your responsibility to deliver and amplify your message, what you value and your expectations. Dempsey stated to make your message the most resounding, but don’t pit those you lead against each other.

3. Include

Include your people – with instant access to technology and communication, it doesn’t replace a personal connection. A leader can make a big mistake by relying on digital communications. Dempsey emphasized that digital access can be strictly exclusive and not inclusive when communicating with your people.

During his Q & A, someone had asked about one of his greatest leadership lessons that he carried with him throughout his career. Without a blink, General Dempsey shared a story about the Nun who changed the way he led people. On one of his many deployments as Centcom Commander, he met a Nun who approached him one day and asked if she could come on base and have a service to serve and pray over his soldiers. He agreed to it and met her at the gate when she arrived. On this particular day, a bunch of rowdy soldiers were playing basketball and were hanging out by the court as they were walking by. She asked if she could start with that group. General Dempsey said he remembered hesitating and that he wanted to bring her to his “best” group of officers. She insisted and went over to the group of soldiers and introduced herself. As she spoke and prepared to pray for them, he watched as every one of his soldiers bowed their heads and joined in with her prayer. When she was done for the day, she returned to his office and he offered to have a driver return her to the convent. She agreed but insisted that he drive her back. He agreed and they left and he drove her back. When she got out of the car, he asked her why did she start with that group of soldiers, to which she answered, aren’t those soldiers your people? Aren’t they you’re responsibility? He couldn’t argue with her. She reminded him not to forget about all of his people, even the bad ones or ones you have forgotten about. This encouraged him to start engaging with those soldiers he had forgotten about and even brought his basketball shoes into and jumped in on a few games. The story continues, General Dempsey said, 10 years went by and he was at an event when a Sergeant Major came up to him and said “Hello Sir, do you remember me”? Wouldn’t you know it; it was one of those rowdy soldiers from the basketball court and who the General had decided to start engaging with. The point is it doesn’t take much. Sometimes a game of basketball can be the simplest way to engage and connect with your followers. You never know what that one simple act can turn into.

General Dempsey ended with his legacy statement and that he wants it to be a legacy of a warrior’s heart, an immigrant’s spirit and a servant’s soul.

I don’t know about you, but that was inspiring and encouraging to hear. As an executive coach and leadership expert, I am often asked, what’s the best way to engage and connect with my staff especially in this fast paced world that’s filled with deadlines? That’s an easy answer, you make time, no matter how uncomfortable it may be for you. Remember, it’s not about you. It’s about your people…your team. Just like General Dempsey’s example, sometimes you have to find the connection with your team which may mean you have to bring in your basketball shoes in and get in on the next game. You have to be intentional about it if you want to make change. If you value it as a leader, you’ll make the time and I guarantee you’ll reap the rewards of making this effort and contributing to your team’s personal and professional growth. Try it! I dare you!

If you’re looking for better ways to engage and connect with your staff or team, or even if your organization is trying to improve its culture, contact me.

Updated on August 7, 2017May 27, 2017BLOG

Leading Self – 4 tips to leading yourself better

I’ve been doing a lot of studying lately both with my clients as well as with my own personal reflections and I’ve noticed two common themes that keeps arising:

The toughest person to lead is always yourself, and
The last person we think about leading is yourself.

If we’re honest with ourselves, I think we all would agree that sometimes we can be our own worst enemies and can often block ourselves from the success we want to achieve. We just lack the awareness of how, where, and why.

If I was to ask you, John, how often would you say you take the time to really examine yourself? What would you say? One of my mentors, John C. Maxwell in his book, Leadership Gold says, “If you don’t look at yourself realistically, you will never understand where your personal difficulties lie. And if you can’t see them, you won’t be able to lead yourself effectively”. And if you can’t lead yourself effectively, how can you really expect to lead others effectively?

Last year, I made one of the greatest and most challenging investments in myself. I hired a coach. You’re probably thinking, but John, you’re a coach, why do you need a coach? Another one of my mentors once told me, the greatest coaches and leaders have a coach. I needed one because I realized I was getting in my own way and I wanted to know where, why and how I was limiting myself from the success I wanted to achieve. You see, what I wanted to accomplish, I knew I wouldn’t be able to accomplish it on my own or with my current beliefs. I hired a coach because I couldn’t see myself effectively and my level of awareness needed to increase. When it comes to personal growth, I believe growth increases when we’re being intentional about it and we’re willing to put some skin in the game. I was giving him permission to help me explore myself. It takes an incredible amount of trust and guts to do this. It’s not for everyone. But it’s been about six months since working with him and my thinking has certainly shifted. I’ve started to understand myself more and know where my personal difficulties lie and why I wasn’t seeing the growth I wanted to achieve.

To get out of your own way and become a better leader, there are four things you should learn to help you lead yourself and others more effectively.

Learn Followership – Only a leader who has followed well knows how to lead others well. The best leaders are followers first. And the best followers make the best leaders. By learning followership, it increases your empathy and helps you to better connect with your followers. Maxwell says, “Connecting with your people becomes possible because you’ve walked in their shoes before. Good leadership requires an understanding of the world that your followers live in”.
Develop Self-Discipline – Only you can control you and only you are you responsible for your own actions and decisions. Making consistent good decisions and taking the right actions when needed and refraining from the wrong ones require a strong moral character and self-discipline. Doing otherwise, we lose control of ourselves – what we do, what we say and we miss the opportunities when they are given.
Practice Patience – Too many leaders lack the time it takes to produce something great. Everyone wants instant gratification…to be an overnight success. There are few things in life that come quickly. Becoming a leader doesn’t happen overnight. Microwavable leaders never last; it’s those leaders who are willing to let themselves cook slowly who are successful. The point is it takes time and patience. Leadership is a process that develops daily, not in a day. The point of leading isn’t to finish first; it’s to take people across the line with you. For this reason, leaders must slow their pace, learn to connect with their people and connect them to their vision. You can’t do that if you’re constantly always ahead of them, out of sight and not connecting with them.
Seek Accountability – Do you trust yourself? Do you really trust yourself? Most leaders who know themselves don’t. They can’t. Good leaders know that power can be seductive, and they understand their fallibility. To be a leader and deny this is to put yourself in real danger. Accountability isn’t just for your personal life. Not having accountability in your professional life can be a very dangerous and stupid thing. They actually often overlap; a lack of accountability in your personal life will certainly lead to problems in your professional life. Consider the number of CEOs or senior military officials who have been stripped of their command because of an extramarital affair or skimming money from an unknown account. Having accountability starts with your own willingness to seek and accept advice from others.

A quick story about accountability – when I became a Chief Petty Officer in the U.S. Coast Guard, I went through a process called Chief’s Call to Indoctrination. During this process, I met with a lot of other Chiefs and sought out their words of wisdom. One of my mentors during this process who worked directly for the Commanding Officer gave me the best advice I’ve taken with me as a leader and it really speaks to the purpose of accountability. There was a decision that was being considered that was going to negatively impact a lot of people and the Captain was going to make it. Because the Captain gave permission to the Master Chief to hold him accountable, that gave him the opportunity to call him out and hold him accountable when making decisions. Because this decision would have had a lot of adverse effects and was a really bad decision, the Master Chief was pretty blunt when speaking to him. Afterwards, I asked him, you can speak to him like that, and he said, that’s my job. Holding people to accountable isn’t supposed to be pretty or formal; it’s supposed to be real and raw. Let’s be honest. Just like I’ve given my coach permission to ask me bold questions that not many people would ever dare; giving permission to others to hold you accountable to being an effective leader requires trust and a level of bluntness. Leadership is a trust, not a right.

When you don’t take the time to inspect yourself as a leader, you open the door to becoming stuck and an ineffective leader. Maxwell writes, “The smallest crowd you will ever lead is you – but it’s the most important one. If you do that well, then you will earn the right to lead even bigger crowds”.

Questions to consider

How clearly do you see yourself? Are you aware of yourself and where you’re getting in your way? How big is the gap between your current reality and where you want to be at in your life, career, or business? Who have you given permission to hold you accountable? Where do you need to grow? Specifically?

If you would like to explore these questions further, contact me today. I have a few one on one coaching slots open right now.

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